Jokes
It says in the Bible that God made man in His own image (Genesis 1:26). Humans have a sense of humour; so I suppose it is safe to say that God too has a sense of humour. At least I hope I'm right - otherwise we're all in big trouble !!!
With this in mind, here are some jokes to lighten your day. I hope you like them.
A man runs to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
A man is stumbling by the riverside totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He staggers to the river’s edge and subsequently falls in. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. He asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes I am”.
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t”.
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk answers again, “No, I haven’t”.
Bu this time the preacher is at his wits end and he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
A man sitting in a library reads the births and deaths statistics. After a few minutes he whispers to the person next to him: “Do you realise, every time I breathe in and out someone dies”. The other man replies: “Try a better mouthwash”.
A Social Worker visits an elderly lady once a week to check that she is OK. As she is about to leave the old lady asks the Social Worker “Do you like Brazil Nuts?”
“Oh yes” replies the Social Worker, and the old lady gives her a paper bag full of shelled Brazil Nuts – beautiful tasty white Brazil Nuts.
The following week the same thing happens again – the old lady gives the Social Worker a bag of Brazil Nuts, which she takes to work and shares with her colleagues. This goes on week after week.
One week the Social Worker asks: “If you don’t like Brazil Nuts, why do you keep buying them?”
The old lady replies: “My son buys them for me, but I have no teeth. So I just suck the chocolate and put them back in the bag”.
A woman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears. Apparently she answered the phone whilst she was ironing. The doctor asked her how she burnt the second ear. She replied that it happened when she phoned for an ambulance.
The preacher was telling the congregation about the evils of drink. “To drink is to follow Satan. Drink is bad for you. It will lead you to damnation”.
To demonstrate his point he put two glasses on the pulpit. One contained water and one contained whisky. He then produced a small box containing two worms that he had dug from the garden before the service began. He placed a worm in the glass of water and it floated about merrily. He then put the second worm in the glass of whisky and after wriggling for a few seconds it died.
“What does this tell you?” he asked.
A member of the congregation replied, “If you have worms drink whisky”.
The party was very successful and everyone was rather drunk. One of the guests approaches the hostess and slurs: “Do lemons have feathers?” She says no. “In that case I must have squeezed the canary in my drink”.
A very old man in his nineties is coerced by a friend to buy a lottery ticket. As luck would have it his ticket wins many millions of pounds. His friend is very reluctant to tell the old man of his good fortune in case the shock gives him a heart attack and kills him.
He decides to ask the vicar to break the news gently to him. The vicar agrees, and on his next visit to the old man he broaches the subject carefully.
“Tell me my friend,” he starts “life can be somewhat unpredictable at times. What would you do for instance if by some chance you were to win millions of pounds on the lottery?”.
The old man thinks for a while and says: “Well vicar, I’ve had a long and happy life. At my age I don’t need millions of pounds … I have no family or close friends. If I won that much on the lottery I would give it all to you”.
The shock of hearing this gives the vicar a heart attack and he dies.
The doctor gave the medicine to the patient and explained that he should take it on alternate days. He said: “Take the medicine on Monday, skip Tuesday, take it on Wednesday, skip Thursday, take it Friday, skip Saturday and so on …”
Two weeks later the doctor rang the patient to see how he is getting on. The wife replied: “He’s in hospital. All that skipping gave him a heart attack”.
A man went to visit a friend and was
amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in
astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's
the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out
of five."
A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you
sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he
says "Halleluiah !!!" and when you pull on the left he
shouts "Amen Amen."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
A carpet layer had just finished
installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a
smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. Later he discovers in
the middle of the room a lump under the carpet.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to
himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the lump.
As he was cleaning up, the owner of the house came in.
''Here,'' she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the
hallway. You haven't seen our pet hamster have you? He's escaped from his
cage.''
A student
reports for her university final exam which consists mainly of
true and false questions. She takes her seat in the
examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a
fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within
thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working
furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing
and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my
answers."
A lawyer's dog, running around town
unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the
lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat
from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's
owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $9.75.
Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $9.75.
The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a
consultation.
A very rich woman in hospital in intensive care dies for a few seconds. She sees herself leave her body in a near death experience and meets God in Heaven. “Is that it?” she asks Him, “Am I dead?”
“No,” says God, “you will live for many more years yet!”
She recovers in hospital and is well again. She is so cheerful that she decides to improve herself. She gets plastic surgery done on her face, gets her hair re-styled and dyed a different colour, gets a new set of stylish clothes and looks terrific once again.
A few days later she is hit by a bus and killed instantly.
When she meets God she complains, “I thought you said I’ll live for many years yet!”
He replies, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you after the make-over!”
Two men in Court. Judge asks the first: “Where do you live?” “No fixed abode!”
He asks the other man “And you, where do you live?” "In the flat above him!"
Fred was in his front garden mowing
grass when his neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and
stormed back into his house.
A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the
mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the
house he went.
As Fred was getting ready to edge the lawn, out comes his neighbour once
again, looking very agitated
and heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then
slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by his actions, Fred asked his neighbour "Is something wrong?"
To which the ferocious neighbour replied, "There certainly is! My stupid
computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
A man was enjoying the sun at the beach
in America . A lady came and said, " Good
morning ... are you relaxing?" He answered, "No, I am
Henderson." She raises an eyebrow and moves on.
A little later a guy came by
and said "Nice sunny day ... are you relaxing?" He
answered, "No, no I'm not ... I am Henderson!"
A few minutes more another man passes by and greets him
with "Glorious weather ... are you relaxing?" Henderson gets annoyed. He doesn't
reply and decides to shift his
place.
While walking he saw another man sunbathing, soaking
the hot sun. He approaches him, trying to be sociable and says "Hi there,
beautiful day. Are you Relaxing?" The other man was a lot
more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Henderson slaps him on
the face and says "Stupid,
idiot. Everyone is looking for you and you are sitting here lazing in the
sun!"
A man died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told
him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In
order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T"
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The man thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's
not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The man replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.
Wife caught her husband searching high
and low all around his living room.
Wife: "What are you searching for?"
Husband: "Hidden cameras!"
Wife: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Husband: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he
keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World channel'. How does he know that?"
Having lost his donkey a man, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A
passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God
for?"
The man replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the
donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
A man is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in
the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in
a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He
then removes his hat and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and
watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is
going on.
"I am only following the instructions,"
he says, "it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief' .."
A man goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands
but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him,
"What are you doing?"
To this the man replies, "The notice board here says, 'Wash Basin' ".
Postman: Is this letter for you sir? The name's obliterated.
Man: No, my name's Peterson.
Patient: Doctor help me. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Psychiatrist: And when did this start exactly?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.
Psychiatrist: I see. Please get on the couch.
Patient: I'm not allowed on the couch!
This one is really good ... can't wait
for the punch line!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurts wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a
redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so,"
the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A ventriloquist sitting on the stage
goes through his routine. The dummy he's holding tells one blonde joke after
another ... "there was this blonde ..."
The audience laugh themselves to tears. Eventually a blonde woman has had
enough. She stands up and shouts "Stop all these jokes. They are degrading and
insulting to blondes everywhere. You should be ashamed!"
The ventriloquist stops his act and says "I'm sorry madam ... I meant no
offence."
She says "I'm not talking to you ... I'm talking to the little man on your
knee."
A woman came home, screeching her car
into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at
the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What
should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just
get out."
Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
The Pope stood by the limousine waiting to get in. His chauffeur opened the door for him.
“May I drive?” asked the Pope.
“I’m afraid I can’t allow it,” said the chauffeur, “I’m the only one insured to drive this vehicle.”
“Oh shoot …” replied the Pope, “I’ve always fancied driving a limousine … even when I was Cardinal here in the Vatican … I always liked this particular car … but never got to drive it …”
The chauffeur smiled and said nothing. The Pope continued … “If you let me drive, no one will ever know … and I’ll owe you one …”
The chauffeur weakened. “I hope I don’t live to regret it …” he said as he sat in the back seat and handed the keys to the Pontiff. The Pope jumped into the driver’s seat and set off.
Out in the countryside he increased his speed to well over 70 mph. Pretty soon he was followed by a police car with lights flashing and siren blaring.
The Pope stopped the car by the side of the road. The chauffeur crouched low in the back seat.
The policeman approached the car, looked at the driver and said …”Wait here …”
He then returned to his car and asked to speak to the chief of police urgently. Eventually, the operator put him on to the chief of police.
“Sir … I’ve just stopped a limousine speeding at over 80 mph …”
“So what?” said the chief, “you know what to do … book him …”
“Sir … the passenger is very important …”
“What does it matter?” replied the chief, “the car was speeding … just book him …”
“You don’t understand Sir … I mean very very important …”
“Who the Mayor?”
“No Sir … more important …”
“The Governor?”
“Even more important ….”
“Then who is in that **** car?” shouted an exasperated chief.
“It is God, Sir …” replied the policeman hesitantly.
“God …??? What makes you say that?”
“Because the Pope is his driver …”
A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt".
Her daughter asked, "What happened to the flea?"
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In a second the monster tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man fell head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, dear God! Help me please!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice from above said: "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded." Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard which was secured with a combination lock. I didn't know the combination, so I asked the priest to help.
Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After opening it carefully he phoned the curator of a prestigious natural history museum. "We've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!"
The curator sends a team to collect the mummy for thorough examination. A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know it was heart failure?"
"Simple ... there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - 'put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Archaeologists make the best marriage partners. The older you get the more interested they are in you!
A little boy praying to God says : "Dear Harold ... "
His father interrupts "Harold? Why are you calling God Harold?"
The boy replies: "That's what we call Him in church when we pray - Our Father who art in Heaven. Harold be Thy name ..."
A little girl was in the habit of exaggerating a bit despite her parents' reprimands. One day she came in and said: "I saw a huge enormous lion in the park ..."
Her mother said: "Don't tell lies dear ... you know very well that was a big Labrador ... not a lion. Now go say your prayers and ask God to forgive you."
A little later the girl returned. "Did you ask God's forgiveness?" asked the mother.
"Yes ..." she replied, "God said - don't worry, I've often mistaken that dog for a lion Myself !"
A man walks into a shop ... " Can I buy a wasp please?"
The shopkeeper replied: " We don't sell wasps."
" You have one in the shop window !!!"
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" He asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone came down from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Do you mind God ..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
An elderly lady was well-known for her
faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbour jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them!"
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Three rich brothers try to outdo each other by buying expensive presents for their elderly mother. The first buys her a beautiful mansion by the sea and moves her there. The second buys her a Rolls Royce with a chauffeur to drive her where she wants. The third sends her a special parrot trained for six years to sing any song you can name. Excellent repertoire. You name it – he’ll sing it.
Three months later after she’s settled in the new house she writes to her three sons.
She thanks the first for the lovely house by the sea. She thanks the second for the car and driver to take her out when she wants. She thanks the third for the lovely bird which tasted very nice!
A farmer goes to the small village church on Sunday and finds there’s only him and the preacher.
“Do you want me to preach the sermon?” asks the pastor.
“Well I’m not that clever” says the farmer, “but if I went to the barn and found only one cow there I’d feed her all the same!”
The preacher gets the hint and starts his sermon, which went on and on for two hours.
“Well what did you think?” asked the preacher.
“As I said, I’m not a clever man” said the farmer, “but if I found only one cow in the barn, I wouldn’t feed her all of the hay.”
The congregation were waiting in the
church car park on Sunday waiting to get in church. Suddenly Satan appears at
the church door. Everyone panics. God's greatest enemy is at the church door!
They all jump into their cars and rush away at speed. Everyone except a small
man standing by his bicycle. Satan approaches him menacingly. "Do you know who I
am?" he asks the small man.
"Sure do ..." the man replies.
"Aren't you afraid of me?" screams Satan angrily.
"Nope ... I've been married to your sister for 25 years!”
Did you know there are more Catholic Churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. Unfortunately, during Church collections on Sundays some people give casino chips instead of money when the basket is passed round.
As they get chips from various casinos the churches have devised a system whereby all the chips are collected and sent to a nearby monastery where they are sorted and cashed in at the various casinos of origin. The people doing this work are called chip monks !!!
Two friends were walking home from the local pub when one of them drops to the side walk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the cell phone and dials 9-9-9. The Operator immediately asks: "What is the emergency and where are you?" The man replies in a panic "I don't know what happened, we were walking home on Eucalyptus Street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell down!" The Operator asked: "How do you spell the name of the street?" The phone seemed to go dead. The Operator getting really concerned kept shouting because she could hear him panting! Finally the man came back on the line and said: "I dragged him over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."!!!
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